Turning Over A New Leaf

A lot of times, my moment's of "Turning Over a New Leaf" are started by me falling for someone who ends up not falling for me in return.  However, since my emotions are left wide open to the world, rather than leaving them heartbroken, I let them grasp on to the rest of the things in the world (that probably far better deserve my emotional attention).  I thought this was going to happen a month ago, but to my surprise, I somehow became more apathetic.

I usually take a break from dating once I have put my heart out there and gotten no response.  It allows me time to to heal, but it also allows me time to focus and recuperate from the experience.  Usually, I feel pretty stupid for falling for someone so quickly anyways, that I feel the break is necessary to get me back to sanity.

When I went to take a break in March, rather than getting back to sanity, I feel like I lost it even more.  I normally jump into productive mode and start trying to figure out how I can work harder, better, faster, and stronger than I ever have before, but this time, I felt incredibly exhausted and even more shut off than I had in the past.  I was tired of trying to find someone to love, tired of trying to find someway to be useful in working against so many corrupt systems, tired of giving into the systems themselves, and tired of also trying to fit into a mold of "good living" that I had created.  So, I tried to go back to a normal world.  I didn't overwork, I went right back into dating, and I pretty much just tried to live and let live.

Well, not really to any surprise of mine, I fell for someone else, and I have found myself back in the conundrum of choosing how to deal with it.  I am not as tired this time, but I am confused.  Confused at how numb I am beginning to feel.  Sometimes, the numbness is helpful as it gives me a peace of mind and normality to my life that I have not really had.  It allows me to just be and to live simply.  Like everyone else.  On the opposite end, the numbness causes me to become a type of person that I don't want to be.  I have always desired that no matter where my life leads me, I never want to be numb.  I want my mind and heart to always remember my human state, but I have also wanted to continue to be led by hope that being human doesn't just mean being stuck.  Being human means life, and within life is given the great opportunity to choose to love and be different.  I hate the idea that human beings are just somehow supposed to get through these "troubled" or "dark" times and wait until some heroic figure (the divine) comes and takes us to a promised perfection.  Rather, I hope for an idea that says human beings were gifted with more than just the "knowledge of good and evil".  They were also gifted with the ability to choose between the good and evil.  I hope that within each of us, there is a love that someday will find its way at the center of every system.  I want humanity to progress.  I want us to get better.  I want us to love more.  I want us to hope for the best.  I want us to become nonviolent.  I want us to live in peace.  And most of all, I want to believe that these things can happen for the human race.  I don't want it to be something that comes after a "rapture" or the "end of the world".  I want it to grow continually within us.  I want our children to see a better day and our grandchildren to see an even better day.  Sure, there will be step backs, and maybe that future will never be fully perfect.  However, I want to believe that it is truly good and not something to be feared.

Spirit, soul, and mind, please do not be numb.  Rather, please be alive and full of hope.  Believe in goodness and pursue it daily.  Believe in love and live it out fully.  Believe in everyone no matter who and how hard.  Hope, and do no let hope die.