Fatal and Futile Attraction

If I am being completely honest with myself, I am almost one hundred percent completely disturbed by the awfulness of my sexual attraction to another person.  Although I have come to a place where I accept any and all sexual orientations, I still find myself disturbed by who I find attractive and why.  In fact, it blows my mind how shallow my attraction is. 

I am glad that I was completely homosexual for the fact that it forced me to think differently, but I can't help but wish that I was actually bisexual.  More than that, I wish that a person's appearances had no play into my sexual attraction to that person.  I wish sexuality were something that I could look at from a different perspective as a pleasurable experience within a relationship and not something simply driven out of me by what I think is attractive and closed off by what I think is not attractive.  The more I am arguing this, the weirder it is sounding, but weird as it may be, it almost sounds better.

Not because I think that lovers and friends should enjoy in the same sexual play, though some would argue they should.  I do personally find myself drive to the idea that sexuality is something incredibly intimate.  I guess I just wish that it wasn't such a selective part of my search for a match, partner, or lover.  I wish I could fall head over heals for a man or woman, someone muscular or not, someone of any weight, size, ethnicity, gender, or culture.  I find myself sexually attracted only to men, who aren't too muscular, and skinny.  I can't help but feel this is something that was trained within me, and I wish it was something that I could somehow train out of me.

My fatal and overall futile attraction is not only disgusting for what it tells me about my culture, but also what it tells me about myself. 

I am hopeful for a day when attraction is not fatal or futile or simply derived from a cultural standard of beauty, but rather, an attraction that allows us to really grasp the diversity of beauty and all that the word "beauty" should be allowed to envelope.